Dear Man Skill
Practice DEAR MAN, the DBT skill for making clear requests, by building a word-for-word script for a real conversation you have coming up.
What DEAR MAN is for
DEAR MAN is a DBT skill for asking for something - or saying no - in a way that is clear, fair, and hard to dismiss. It gives the conversation a structure, so you are not improvising while emotions run high. Use it when the stakes matter: a request you have been putting off, a boundary that keeps getting crossed, a no you tend to swallow. Writing a script first is not cheating; it is how the skill gets learned.
The steps at a glance
DEAR is what you say. Describe the facts of the situation. Express how it affects you, speaking for yourself. Assert the request or refusal in one plain sentence. Reinforce by naming what the other person gains, or what you genuinely appreciate. MAN is how you say it. Stay Mindful of your goal - return to your point calmly if the conversation drifts or turns into attack. Appear confident with a steady voice and posture, even if you are shaky inside. Negotiate when it helps: offer an alternative, or ask what would work on their end.
Your conversation
Who is this conversation with, and what do you need from them? Pick something real and specific that is coming up.
D - describe the facts
Write the factual setup the other person cannot argue with. No blame, no mind-reading, no always or never - just what a camera would have caught.
E - express how it lands
Say how the situation affects you, starting from yourself rather than their intentions. 'I feel' or 'it leaves me', not 'you make me'.
A - assert your ask
One sentence. Direct, specific, no hedging or hinting. If you have not named exactly what you want, this step has not happened yet.
R - reinforce
Give them a reason to say yes: what improves for them, for you both, or what you genuinely appreciate about them showing up for this.
MAN - how you will hold the conversation
Pick the delivery habits you will lean on when the conversation gets wobbly.
Reflect and rehearse
Read your script out loud from D to R. What did you notice - anywhere you softened the ask, over-explained, or apologized? When and where will you have this conversation?
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