DBT Interpersonal Effectiveness
Use DBT interpersonal effectiveness skills to plan an ask or a refusal - balancing your objective, the relationship, and your self-respect before a difficult conversation.
What interpersonal effectiveness means
Interpersonal effectiveness is the skill of asking for what you need, saying no to what you do not want, and handling conflict - without torching the relationship or abandoning yourself. Most people find one of these easy and the others hard. These skills matter most in moments of tension: asking for a raise, turning down a favor, raising a problem with a partner. That is exactly when old habits - going silent, exploding, over-apologizing - take over unless you walk in with a plan.
Three things at stake in every interaction
Your objective: the outcome you want - the yes, the no, the change. The relationship: how the other person feels about you afterward, and whether the connection ends up stronger or weaker. Your self-respect: whether you acted in line with your values - honest and fair, with no groveling and no steamrolling. You usually cannot maximize all three at once. Deciding which matters most in this particular situation tells you how firm to be, what to say, and what to let go.
The situation
Pick a real upcoming interaction - an ask or a refusal. Who is it with, and what is on the table?
Your objective in one sentence
If this conversation goes well, what specifically will be different afterward? Name it plainly.
Weigh the three priorities
For this situation, rank the three: objective, relationship, self-respect. Which matters most this time, and why? What would protecting each one look like here?
Before you ask (or refuse)
Run through these checks. The more you can check, the firmer you can reasonably be. Unchecked items suggest softening your approach, waiting, or gathering more information first.
How firmly will you ask or refuse?
Choose your intensity for this conversation. Low numbers are gentle - hinting, asking openly, accepting no with grace. High numbers are firm - stating clearly, insisting, holding the line. Match the number to how much your objective matters and what the checklist above showed.
Plan your words
Write your opening lines. Start with the facts, say how the situation affects you, then make the ask or the refusal in one clear sentence. Add one fallback: what you will say if they push back or say no.
Reflect
Looking at your plan, what feels most doable and what feels hardest? What will you watch for in yourself during the conversation - the urge to cave, to over-explain, to get sharp?
Fewer clicks. More care.
One place for your team, your clients, and every clinical workflow, so nothing quietly slips through the cracks.
Free for practices with up to 20 clinicians.