Fair Fighting Rules
Fair fighting rules turn arguments from something you win into something you solve together. Use this worksheet to spot the unfair moves in your conflicts, choose ground rules you both believe in, and write an agreement you can stand behind.
Conflict isn't the problem
Every close relationship has conflict. Disagreeing is not a sign that something is broken - it is a sign that two real people are sharing a life. What predicts trouble is not whether you fight, but how. Fights turn harmful when the goal quietly shifts from solving the problem to winning, scoring points, or protecting yourself. Fair fighting rules are guardrails you agree on in advance, while you are calm, so the argument stays about the issue instead of becoming about each other.
What fair fighting rules protect
Most rules protect the same few things. Keep the argument about one issue at a time, so it stays solvable. Keep the person off the table - no name-calling, no insults, no old wounds used as ammunition. Keep an exit ramp open - either of you can call a time-out when things run too hot, as long as you agree on when you will come back. Repair attempts matter just as much. A softened tone, a touch on the arm, a bit of humor, or a simple "let me try that again" can stop a spiral. Fair fighting means noticing those attempts and letting them count, even mid-argument.
Unfair moves that show up for us
Think about your recent arguments. Check the moves that tend to appear - from either of you. Naming them without blame is the first step toward retiring them.
How hot do your arguments run?
In a typical disagreement, how intense do things get before anyone slows down?
The rules we're choosing
Read these together if you can. Check only the rules you are both genuinely willing to keep - a few rules kept beat many rules broken.
Our time-out signal
Agree on a word, phrase, or gesture either of you can use to pause an argument before it goes somewhere you will regret. Neutral or slightly silly works best - it is hard to keep escalating after someone says the funny word.
Our comeback window
A time-out is a pause, not an exit. How long will you take to cool off before returning to the conversation? Somewhere between 20 minutes and 24 hours works for most couples.
Write your agreement
Put it in your own words. Write a short agreement you could both stand behind: the rules you chose, your time-out signal, your comeback window, and one line about why this matters to the two of you.
What will be hardest?
What came up for you while working through this? Which rule will be hardest for you personally to keep, and what will help you keep it during your next real disagreement?
Fewer clicks. More care.
One place for your team, your clients, and every clinical workflow, so nothing quietly slips through the cracks.
Free for practices with up to 20 clinicians.